Wednesday, May 13, 2015

#CBR07 Review #16: Proof That You Can Self-Publish ANYTHING on Amazon

(A review of Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner, by Chuck Tingle)

What the hell did I just read??? 
Let’s not get into how I stumbled upon author Chuck Tingle on Amazon, whose stories include those with titles such as: “The Curse of Bigfoot Butt Camp”, “I’m Gay for my Living Billionaire Jet Plane”, “Space Raptor Butt Invasion”, and “Pounded by the Gay Unicorn Football Squad.” All I will say is that curiosity killed this cat… and there was little satisfaction to bring it back.

Seriously, this book took me about five minutes to read, and they were some of the strangest five minutes reading I’ve ever spent. At first you think, “this is ridiculous and hilarious!” as the story begins with Donny, getting hired at Jurassic Law, a law firm with mainly dinosaurs working there, with absolutely no explanation regarding this. Like, okay I guess we are just living in a world with sentient dinosaurs that run successful law firms in New York. I can work with that. But then suddenly things take a sharp turn, and our young, human protagonist is offered a (and I quote): “Contract to run a T-Rex bangbang train on Donny Sullivan’s gay human ass for the sum of ten million dollars even.”

And so, I get to see Donny’s initial reaction of, “I’m not even gay, BRO!” which suddenly turned into, “well, I guess I’m going to have sex with some dinosaurs,” and finally reaching a point of, “wow, I am actually getting pretty worked up with these dinos, let’s get after it!” followed by, well… exactly what you would expect (alright, I may be paraphrasing a bit here, but you get the picture, I’m sure).

I mean… I should have know what I was getting into when I saw the title of this book (I didn't exactly read the description because I am dumb, okay?). But I walked right into it. And it’s not like the writing was good in the slightest; I could have turned around. But I didn’t. At one point I somehow, and for some unknown reason convinced myself that there was a sort of theme or deeper meaning hidden in this story, you know, when the dinosaurs started talking about the greed of humans and what they will agree to do for money… But that was just me trying to make light of the fact that I just read a story about a bunch of dinosaurs running a train on some guy. And not even a well-written one!

So I don’t know what to tell you. But it was free and only took a few minutes to get through. And now I have been requested to do a dramatic live-reading of this ridiculous book at a party this weekend. So I guess that’s happening. I just don’t know how this guy can come up with so many ridiculous ideas for his stories. I’m assuming they are all like this? I don’t know, but I do know that I feel a need to go to Church this Sunday. I just read Dinosaur erotica. What am I even doing?
Oh, and the main T-Rex was named Tyson Rex, because of course he was. 

[Be sure to visit the Cannonball Read main site!]

No comments:

Post a Comment